Utopex site opens, toys violently expensive, miserable failure ahoy!

I'm pretty sure I owe a couple of people $5 for losing the "Utopex is vaporware" bet, but I think I can make my money back on charting their success rate, or lack thereof.

So, another teledildonics company is out of the starting gate and already way, way, way off the goddamn track. First off, why the hell does everyone think they are the first to market with an internet enabled toy (In Utopex's case, I'm referencing this page - bottom line on the page, "Utopex is the first and largest exchange for Internet enabled adult novelty toys.")? Almost every toy company I've seen claims they are "The First Internet Enabled Sex Toy!". Being first doesn't matter if you still suck.

Anyway, back to the site review. First off, the toys. As I said in my last post about the company, Utopex has definitely got an interesting lineup going for it. They have an internet controlled spanker, tongue, and thrusting phallic mechanism. I have to give them serious style points for having completely original toys there. However, their prices are fucking INSANE.

  • Tongue: $345
  • Spanker: $369
  • Thrusty Thing: $4 fucking 95

FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS for the same thing Toys in Motion does for $139. The tongue is most likely an adapted version of the Anal Tongue Vibrator (I'm linking to a shop that doesn't have any in stock so I don't feel so bad about advertising, heh), which can be had for $30-50 at most sex shops. The spanker? I'm honestly not aware of any auto-spankers right now, but the fetish community contains enough ingenuity that I'm sure they exist.

Utopex is up against Highjoy, whose toys run from $50-130 with a $30 monthly fee assuming they ever get enough users to drive the thing to pay, and Sinulator, which starts at $100 before addons (not sure about a fee here). Assuming Utopex's software and service prices were so ridiculously cheap that it made up for the toy price, it might be worth it.

Nope.

Utopex's monthly fee is between free and $24 for varying ranges of services. But all that gets you is very basic services. In order to start searching and using your toy with others, you have to join a club, and there goes more cash! You get a $25 credit just for buying the toy, but there's no mention of recurring fees, and some of the clubs cost $100. Whether this is some sort of play currancy or actual cold, hard cash, I don't know.

Oh yeah, and the club page is violently, violently broken. I have a hard time believing they currently have 4000 people online when they don't have anything on sale until tomorrow. Clear your test data off the page before you put things up, people!

Now, the real kicker? THE INTERACTION SOFTWARE COSTS $27! So you've got to pay for the software, then pay your way into the clubs. What everyone else has been giving away for free, they charge for! Go smart business practices!

As usual, there's a Developer's API available for what I can only imagine is some sort of ridiculous fee. Not to mention, their API ties you into their service, so they're still making bank on the club and account costs.

So, they've got every facet of their business covered with some idiotically expensive cost, they've got zero internet coverage other than my little rinky dink blog here, and their page seems to be in a non-working state. Chalk up another lost cause for the internet sex revolution.

There's one upside to this whole fiasco, though. Their opening page image, which we will be archive here so that even when their site dies, we'll still be able to enjoy it.

Mmmm, yeah, you place that surface mount component with your hot, long Weller PES51 Soldering 50 Watt Pencil... Mmm, turn the knob on that WESD51 Soldering Station. TURN IT! TURN IT!!!!! (We realize it's probably just a WES51, but it's our fantasy, so let us believe it's a digital. If it were really our fantasy, it'd be a MetCal.)

Aw yeah, there it is. Melting point. Mmm, look at that solder flow. Hand me the desoldering wick, I made a mess.