Obviously if I can't be arsed to post any real news this year, I also can't come up with good April Fools Jokes. So, time to use the humor of others.

No. Really. A Crowbar Dildo. It's even called "The Freeman". While it's an April Fools Day joke, it's actually real, and you can actually buy it, assuming you do so in the next 18 or so hours.

Yeah. We already saw awesome Half Life fan movies, now it's time for Half Life fan porn.

Wait, no it isn't.

It was 4 years ago today that I decided to hook a vibrator to an xbox controller and post it on this website.

Yup.

after much humor aimed directly at it (wind around 3 minutes into that video for the relevant part), I finally managed to get my hands on a Talking Head Vibrator. The fine people at Virtually Adult were nice enough to contact me out of the blue and not only sent me a Talking Head, but also a Televibe, which I'll do a post about some other time.

For those not familiar, the Talking Head is a vibrator with a sound player built in. It was also the topic of one of the most offensive posts ever to be seen on Slashdong. It appears their main website is gone, and the store on the site I linked above doesn't work, but if you still actually want one after you read this, you can get one from Virtually Adult. Also, this toy is responsible for the Bergen the German Mountain Man vocal sample, which may be one of the best things I've ever found in the history of running this site. But we'll get to that later. If you want to get an idea of what the vibrator does, here's a little demo video I whipped together because I don't use NEARLY enough Slayer on this website.

Now, being the oafish klutz that I am, I managed to shatter most of the control unit portion of the Talking Head simply by trying to remove the battery casing cover (in my defense, it seems the plastics welding on the unit I had was a wee bit overzealous). Doing this also managed to break the 30 gauge wires they used for the vibrator power. I'd certainly planned on taking the thing apart at some point anyways, just wanted to, you know, see it work first. I decided to take the chance to open the whole thing up and take a peek inside.

Oh, epoxy dot, will you ever stop making this posts boring?

So yeah, I don't have a whole lot to say about the insides, because I can't really see the insides. According to the patents claimed by the Talking Head site archive, this is basically an answering machine output circuit in a vibrator. All of the claimed licensed patents had to do with answering machines. Not all that interesting.

Here's the other half of the vibrator. It might be hard to notice since it's in pieces right now, but, uh... The speaker is pointing out the bottom of the vibrator. Now, I'm pretty sure I know people who, in a metaphorical sense, fit the anatomical description needed to be in the sound throwing area of a speaker directed out of their crotch or ass, but in reality, there's very few people who are going to be using this vibrator in a way that the speaker will be pointed toward the interested party. You know, unless you're a guy that likes to the cuckolded by toys as well as other men, in which case, you totally win some sort of humiliation kink award. One involving very frilly panties.

Anyways, that means that the special output of the vibrator that makes it something more than just a rabbit vibrator will always be pointed away from you. So you can't hear it. Where would be a good alternative speaker position for a sound player built into a vibrator? I think the only proper answer is "Nowhere, because it's a really fucking stupid idea."

Finally, the sound chips. Instead of putting a small internal flash card in that you could load sounds to over USB, they decided using audio cards that you can switch out would be a better idea. Yeah, I don't fucking get it either.

That's them. I got "Slow Ride with Koby" and "French Boy f/ Jean Phillipe". The original talking head site sold 7 or 8 samples, as well as a "make your own" kit that I would SO have put some Slayer on. Totally.

Since the original site has disappeared, that means that I can no longer send people there to be subjected to my favorite sample, possibly of all time, ever.

Bergen the German Mountain Man.

Luckily, I've used this sample in so many presentations, so many times, that I have multiple copies of it laying around, to be preserved forever and ever in the name of stupidity.

Click here to download the Bergen the German Mountain Man Sample and help the stupidity live on. Someone please make some bad industrial with this. Please.

While we're at it, here's the full version of Latin Lover featuring Juan. 4 minutes of... I don't even think I have words for it.

Man. I forgot how good it feels to rant about toys I'd probably never use in the first place. It's good to be back.

Thanks again to Virtually Adult for providing the Talking Head

Ever wonder what it's like to be a sex toy hacker? To receive random boxes in the mail filled with toys of various shapes and sizes? To take them apart and admire their insides?

Well, thanks to the hard work of Varka at Bad Dragon Toys, you can now live vicariously. You poor bastard.

It started innocently enough, an engineering endeavor to work on designs for a new masturbatory tube toy by taking apart an already existing one. However, as the 19 minutes of video above will show, it all goes very, very, very wrong.

I've taken apart a lot of toys in my time, and I've never run into anything quite this, and I hope I never do.

(But that jackhammer linear actuator thing is pretty interesting. Or would be, were it in better condition...)

via Bad Dragon Toys Forums

I think the title pretty much sums it up. Fuck, that's awesome.

Tangentially via Neural.it