TOYSTOYSTOYSTOYSTOYSTOYSTOYS!
One of the absolutely wonderful things about running a site like this is the crap that I can order and call "research equipment". What would usually be attributed to a lonely, pervy bastard can now be an INSTRUMENT OF SCIENCE.
First, an anecdote. In the silly, ridiculously boring days of college, we used to go down to the local Hastings and see how much music we could buy for under $10. Since there was a bin of <$1 CDs, we usually walked away with a good bit of stuff. It was this hobby that led me to realize that 29 cent reggae was much, much better than 39 cent reggae. The 29 cent reggae came on a tape that itself probably cost more than what we paid. It had a certain, I don't know, "dimeless" feel that the 39 cent reggae didn't. There was more soul, more feeling... A feeling only costing 10 cents less could bring.
It was with this hope that I ordered 10 ridiculously cheap vibrators from Amazon. 5 of the 79 cent "Lady Fingers", and 5 of the $1.29 "Magic Wand Personal Massagers". Would the 79 cent vibrators overcome? Would the extra 50 cents prove to be a insurmountable gap? WHO WOULD REIGN SURPREME IN VIBRATOR ARENA? Pensive Chairman Kaga Look
Oh yeah, and I finally ordered a Rez Trancevibrator, because if anyone on this Earth should own one, it should be me.
Now, I'm not really in the field of reviewing sex toys (mainly because I'm too busy taking them apart), but when you've got the combination of a 79 cent vibrator, a $1.29 vibrator, and the Rez Trancevibrator, well, it's just something you've gotta write about.
So, let's start from the bottom and work our way up.
Metallic Pink Slim Line Lady Finger Mini Massager Vibrator (Pink no longer available. IT'S NOW A COLLECTORS ITEM! HAH! It's going next to my Magic The Gathering Cards in my safe deposit box!)
Pros:
- It's pink
- It's glittery
- It's 99 fucking cents (I got them for 79, HAH!), for christ sake
- Hard Plastic is great if you want to hurt people while hitting them with a vibrator
Cons:
- Hard plastic just doesn't do it for me.. In this day and age, we have cyberskin. We no longer have to shove hard plastic into soft holes. Why stoop to the level of cavemen?
- Requires 2 Double A batteries, in such a way that it would be an absolute bitch to mod
Overall Rating: Well, at least it matches the Pink Sparkly Buttplug of DOOM.
5 Speed Magic Wand Personal Massager Vibrator
Pros:
- Might as well be a nightstick. It's overwhelming stature makes it great for winning arguments
- Ok, not nightstick, LIGHT SABER. It works even better if you make the VOOOOOOOOOOOM sounds while battling your foe.
- If you squint at the picture, you can see that the switch is a little heart! Cute!
- Comes with 5 speeds: Slow Pulse, Medium Pulse, High Pulse, Rough Um Up a Little, Ike Loves You Baby
- Hard Plastic is great if you want to hurt people while hitting them with a vibrator
Cons:
- A 9 volt battery. It takes a fucking 9 volt battery. So you have a choice. Use this vibrator, or have a working smoke alarm. 'cause you KNOW you don't have any 9v batteries laying around. Just better hope the thing doesn't catch fire.
- I don't have any 9v motor drivers sitting around! Fuck, I'm gonna have to order even MORE chips!
Overall Rating: Better than the lady finger, so the Vibrators group is not isomorphic with Reggae group.
Pros:
- I have renamed this LOINQUAKE, as it contains the possiblity of THIGH LIQUIFICATION. Seriously, when combined with an 820 watt Home Theatre system and Rez on the PS2, I believe we compromised the structural integrity of our house
- Easily modded, for her pleasure
Cons:
- Tough to find these days. I got mine on eBay for $30 after shipping. From Hong Kong, no less.
Overall Rating: Why didn't ANY of you tell me how fucking powerful this thing was? This is really one of the most powerful vibe motors I've ever seen, esp for the size and power draw. W T F.
I've already got the USB drivers working with C++ and C#, so more mods will be coming for this one soon. The others, well, they'll make a nice windchime.
