Or at least, it would be if someone could crank out a bitchin' metal version of this, and we could get the good people at Fucking Machines to film the video, and lots of donations to pay the licensing fees, and so on and so forth. But anyways, on to lyrics! Song is by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig, who's link I'm throwing in here a few times, 'cause, well, fuck, this r00lz.

Artificial Means

Words and Music by Christine Lavin/Flip-A-Jig

Music ASCAP & Happy Valley Music BMI

Copyright 1986, Palindrome Records, Philo

Oh Johnny and Janie were the perfect married couple,

But not in bed.

Oh, They tried takin' drugs, how-to books, even Dr. Ruth,

But for all intents and purposes their love life was dead.

'Til one day Janie went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique

She bought a long cylindrical thing

Now Janie is smiling, Johnny is not

Every night you can hear him sing

He says "Our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

You've grown emotionally attached to that little pink machine

Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cause our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

( okay this is a singalong for anybody who might have problems in

the Boudoire. Don't be shy )

Oh Johnny went down to the barroom

He bought one drink he bought two he bought three

Oh he moaned to the bartender the state of his married life

Bartender said "hey bud, just listen to me"

So Johnny went over to the Pink Pussycat Boutique

He bought a plastic blow up doll

Now Johnny is smiling, Janie is not,

She is angry, she is jealous, she's appalled

She says "our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

You've grown emotionally attached to that polyethelene

Our relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cuz our love is being kept alive by Artificial Means"

( that was great singing, I could hear you )

Wires (wires),

switches (switches),

batteries (batteries),

plastic (plastic),

tufts of artificial hair

who'd ever think they could replace the love (Love?)

Humans used to share (humans used to, humans used to

humans used to, humans used to)

Then one fateful day, those batteries died

At the same moment that that big doll sprung a leak (hissssssssssssss)

Johnny looked a Janie, looked at Johnny, looked at Janie and they

Both found it difficult to speak

I wish I could say they threw those contraptions away

And fell in love all over again

But Johnny taped up that hissing woman

When Janie stole the batteries from his Sony Walk-man.

Because their love is being kept alive by Artificial Means

They've grown emotionally attached to these modern sex machines

Their relationship is not as healthy as it seems

'Cuz their love is being kept alive

Love is being kept alive

Love is being kept alive

By Artificial Means

Ok, wait a sec. I don't think I like the ending very much. 'cause everyone knows the robots are supposed to win. That's not sad. We've just evolved beyond the need for other people and now our machines are so full of awesome we just can't help ourselves.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

But even so.

Wires (wires),

switches (switches),

batteries (batteries),

plastic (plastic),

tufts of artificial hair

Sounds like a successful Friday night to me.

Come see me do my thing! Very possibly the last time before Arse Elektronika (unless I get another speaking gig out of the blue like this)

Upcoming.org Link

SEX HACKS

with artists, technologists, designers, & geeks:

Norene Leddy: NYC-Based Artist Presents "The Aphrodite Project" GPS Platform Shoes for the Modern Sex Worker (theaphroditeproject.tv)

qDot: Offering Up His Custom Built and Frequently Teledildonic Sex Toy Hacks (slashdong.org)

Natasha Strange: Beloved San Francisco Dominatrix Demonstrates Hypnotic Electronic Mind Hacks (kittenwithawhip.com)

Johannes Grenzfurthner: of international art-technology-philosophy group monochrom on the upcoming sex + tech conference Arse Elektronika (monochrom.at)

Live, explicit demos make this an 18+ affair.

Curated, moderated, & instigated by Melissa Gira (Sexerati.com), for the Center for Sex and Culture

Monday, May 21st, 2007, doors at 7, science at 7:30

at the Center for Sex and Culture

290 Division at 10th/Brannan, Suite 405

$10 - $20 Sliding Scale to benefit CSC

(no one turned away for lack of funds)

www.sexandculture.org

Mostly Private After Party at Shine

(rsvp here, or to melissa at melissagira dot com)

1337 Mission Street

Between 9th and 10th

www.shinesf.com

My god. I did something. I actually did something.

I don't know if anyone realizes this, but I haven't really built anything in the last 18 months. Twitterdildonics was two hours of me sitting on a couch cutting and pasting code together. Well, and really, this is just me cutting and pasting parts together, but still, it's something, and it's a gateway to more somethings.

So, yes, this is the OHMIFUCKINGGAWD, as named after the song by Strapping Young Lad, who I'm actually listening to while I write this.

As usual, a new and interesting warning before I start talking about this project: DO NOT DO THIS PROJECT UNLESS YOU GET SEX TOYS FOR FREE. Seriously. I'm basically building a less functional iBuzz v2, which is $70ish, for damn near $80-90 in parts (at least, for people that pay for shit) plus the time it takes to build it and what not. This is a mod only for those of us that already have an OhMiBod and really sick of the parts lying around. Don't go buy one just for this project.

I'm about to start work on some teledildonics software that basically works as a remote controlled tone generator to trigger audio toys. The iBuzz was already in a nice package and ready to go, but the OhMiBod wasn't fairing so well after I ripped it apart last October (Aside: Wow, the Suki people know how to market. I usually find myself being in the first page if not the first 3 links of any toy I write about. Seeing I'm a seething cauldron of toy hate, this is usually not the best news for the manufacturer. However, OhMiBod? I'm on page fucking 6). The parts were scattered all over my workbench, and, well, here's my workbench:

To be able to reliably use the OhMiBod for testing, I needed it in a package that I could easily access and switch out motors on, and that had a couple of basic test functions so I could at least tell if the batteries were working without having to swap caps or have music on. I also wanted a pass-thru audio jack so I didn't have to keep track of where I put the audio splitter, because, well, I could clean up that mess, but it's almost got this "Jackson Pollock of Electronics" kinda structure going on, and I really wouldn't want to lose that inertia when I could possibly sell that for millions some day.

Therefore, the goals:

• Put OhMiBod in a package where I won't keep losing the damn circuit board
• Add Audio Pass-thru
• Add Battery Test/"Always On" Function
• Add Switch
• Add 2.5mm Jack for Modularity

With these goals in mind, I run the half mile down to Good Vibrations (have I mentioned how much I love living in the Bay Area yet? 'cause, really, I do), and start shopping for some new eggs, 'cause I burned most of mine out or can't find them (shut up). However, I find my new best friend in modding:

The Good Vibes Silver Bullet

For $16ish, you get:

• A case with a ton of modding space in it (assuming you can work small)
• 2.5mm jack built in
• 2 AA Battery pack built in
• Nice knob based rheostat that you can take out and use elsewhere

So yeah, a smidge on the expensive side if you want to mass produce something, but otherwise awesome! With the Atmel ATTiny25/45/85 series, you could easily fit a chip in this capable of doing USB communications using the USBTiny Firmware. But that's another project entirely. Expect to see more of these around Slashdong in the future though, and if anyone from GoodVibes is reading, please send me a bunch of these for free. Kthx.

Back to modding.

Here's what the vibe looks like before you take out the Rheostat. 4 screws gets the whole thing apart, and the rheostat lifts right out.

Quick reminder of what the OhMiBod board looks like:

Black is POW-, Green is M-, Red is M+, and that little via with nothing in it above the audio jack is POW+.

(Then there's a bunch of steps) and the mod is done!

Quick description: switch is wired to control ground. +3v comes from batteries and goes to the OhMiBod board, which has a direct line to M+. M- on the board is controlled by the uC pulling the transistor to ground. The switch decides whether M+ routes through the transistor/M- path or goes directly through the motor (always on, no real current control or anything 'cause I don't plan on using this mode other than to test if my batteries work). Audio passthru is just wires soldered to the metal on the top of the audio jack to the corresponding pins on the 3.5mm jack.

Case required a bit of Dremeling to get the 3.5mm input/output jacks to fit, and I cut a rather messy hole in the top for a 3 position switch. And, well, that's it! Nothing to interesting, but I feel productive nonetheless. Off to start working on that software now.

To say I have a... thing for infographics is quite the understatement. This video has a very interesting way to portraying stats on internet porn...

via Information Aesthetics, one of my most favorite sites ever.

BodiTalk: Phoning it in

Realizing that he hasn't made a new project in 18+ months and yet is still getting interviews and speaking gigs, qDot realizes he doesn't really need to put all the work into getting riled up about new toys and ranting on here...

Where's my latte? Remember, low-fat half-caf no-foam lite-whip. Get it wrong and you can find another industry to work in...

Ok, ready? Ready.

Blah blah blah Boditalk By Suki blah blah blah OhMiBod was a piece of crap blah blah blah Vibraexciter was a piece of crap yadda yadda LoveHoney showed that all products were made in same Chinese factory blah blah blibbity blah therefore most likely vibraexciter = boditalk = crap (So yeah, I don't actually have one, I'm just guessing here, but it's an educated guess. And even so, who the FUCK thinks this is a good interface, huh? HUH? "Your pick up your phone and it buzzes! You can't control it, you just talk! Let's charge $70 for it! BRILLIANT! clinking of guiness bottles heard") blah blah QED.

I SAID LITE-WHIP, MOTHERFUCKER. NOT NO WHIP. sound of blunt trauma to head region

Christ. Child labor isn't what it used to be.

And I better get paid extra for that parenthetical. That was almost work.